Lonely

Tonight, I wish I hadn’t called my blog “the authentic journey”.
This authenticity thing demands so much of us- even on a blog.
So, it’s evening and I’m at a private mountain retreat. My shadow is calling out and pestering me about being “lonely”. Oh, I’ve written a few poems in this state of being, but who would want to read them?
There is a beautiful blue hydrangea on the window sill and the leaves are yelling of yellow. Of course, there are superbly crisp leaves to kick around.  So blessed we are. But that is not my question. Does the writing of a blog mean you need to share the painful parts of your mind as well as the best?  In our commitment to being real, the pressure is on.
Back to “lonely”. Why is it that we need to discuss these “low down” places? (i.e.…being lonely?)Are we wondering if there is anybody else out there feeling this lonely? No~ I think we know that. What our mind is questioning is whether or not we are experiencing the longest, deepest most painful loneliness ever seen? I’d have to say no to that too.
Self- help authors rarely expose the shadow in themselves. Maybe they are right… though you can read it between the lines. As you can see, I’m still struggling with how authentically we should share.
I have a highly evolved dog; she’s a hoot and resembles an untidy, extremely over hugged Oscar the Grouch. But, what about people with who have only have a socially challenged turtle, which only resembles a turtle? How lonely could they be? You know, “things said within a blog- stay within a blog.”
 So I’m wondering from the stand point of a professional psychological journal, how serious is loneliness? I think it’s BIG, but there is no DSM category to plug into insurance holes here. Lonely is just a descriptor, sometimes listed under depression. They could call it … SiL( she is lonely) or HiL ( he is lonely). Sounds like salt and pepper, and gosh everyone has that. So, does “poor me” work within a authenticity framework, it certainly works for the music industry.
I’m so engrossed in thought, that the fire alarm is going off, (alarmed at my burning green beans and onions.) Can a house be a drama queen? On ending this blog, I’ll hold the image from the blog before… do you see that candle glowing in the dark?

I am a inventor

 invent a little. Actually I invent a lot, just most of it no one will ever hear of.
When I go to bed, I get all excited about the dream adventures I’m going to have and the inventing I’m going to do during the night.
These inventions come to me between the hours of 2-5 in the morning when I’m truly only half awake as I scribble on a tablet beside my bed. This irritates my dog a lot and requires her to sleep all day.
In the morning I can only read or remember about 20% of it- you know the 80/20 rule. It is my hope that the half baked inspirations that fall out in the night are gifted as a real possibility for another.
But  as I think of it, we invent everything in our “world”~ our anxiety, ego inflation and our insecurities which justify our need to judge ourselves against others. What a brain racket! Hardly innovative.
What’s has been innovative is the life we’ve already lived- so crammed with crazy stories that were we to write them all out would require a 40 foot container. Thank goodness for the micro chip. Yes, we need to give ourselves credit for the full and colorful movie cast experiences that we’ve had, and particularly those that had been topped off with hugs and kisses. It’s a sweet relief to know that we can look forward with the same passion and world of possibility to the future.  It is no comedy hour to reflect on on so much wasted inspiration , but  I’m comforted to know that our wonderful creator is ever there lighting a spark under our butt and a candle flame of hope in the darkness ahead.
Perhaps, we can even contribute more than we ever have before because we know what is most rewarding has to do with the heart.        

Women

Oh…what a feast I had today- as I was researching entrepreneurial women and organizations around the world. Wow, they (collectively) have empowered me.
 I’m so impressed with the sisterhood~ our sisters who have traveled their journey to come out above water line still breathing and some with a bikini and  such a beautiful glow! I’m so proud of each of them, the Bio’s I’ve read, the companies they have established, the causes they move from.
Actually, sometimes as I see their journey (in bio form)… I feel guilty. Like ‘Oh Sterling, at 60 couldn’t you be more like her’. But NO… Each of us have different feathers with one of a kind hand handcrafted pathways in the sky and we’re all landing on God- given branches. Aren’t we lucky to have such (female ) mentors to send us upward- and to proclaim a “ Can – Do “ attitude! I love that attitude.  (Only my dog knows it better.) I must admit some serious years ago now, I pretended to be (corporately) lots “bigger” than I was, believing that I must project this illusion to cover up my nakedness and insecure credibility. Oh…soul forgotten. I hate to be so transparent this evening, but I guess I have been affected with renewed hope.  We do have granddaughters you know.

The authentic journey  …Blog
Authenticity gets easier as you hit 60.  Yaah~oow.  See, we can fearlessly make up words and not even care!
( Note that this new word should sound like you just hit your big toe…and in  case Wiki needs to know means painful)
A time opens to express real stories with real feelings and hey… there is still time for real dreams.
However, even yesterday, I had lunch with a dear friend who was telling me about the death and dying
going on in her family. Well… If Fall is not coming for you, it will. So after our egg rolls, we started
 talking about not really wanting to live as long as Aunt Grotty did ( metaphorically speaking)… after all
 it appears  all the pleasure had left her some 10 years ago. So naturally, we next began to think of creative
 ways to do away with ourselves just before everyone thinks you’re  a  old refrigerator magnet.
Ideas flew… you know like bungee jumping and dog sledding… but then after a moment of calm we decided that
we would decide. ( I know this is a morbid way to start a blog, but hang on. If it’s going to be authentic
then it will be.) So, back to empowerment~ we decided to program our brains to decide how and when.
Having heard this has worked wonders for others… I thought OK…if I haven’t left the planet yet… I’m going
to be 91, (as any plastic surgery I once felt necessary will have worn off and sex would be an illusion)…
and the burden  on others thing might be worse than living with a chimpanzee. Oh, I forgot to tell you…it
will be  Feb. 14th…Valentine’s Day, a day full of expressions of love and calls from your babies. This would
be a subtle way of saying good bye. So, after brushing my teeth and creaming myself thoroughly with lavender
and essential oils, I will slip off this planet into some heavenly sphere.
 Strange~ how we smiled as if now we’re in control...we even felt free to swap fortune cookies
(believing even the cosmos can’t stop us.)